Rebuilding life after divorce feels like climbing a steep hill with an elephant on your back. This is especially true if you’re a trauma survivor  and have suffered through a bad divorce. I had all these visions in my head of what “D” day (the day the divorce was finalized) would look like for me. I saw myself bursting into extreme happiness, but that’s not what happened in reality. On “D” day, I wasn’t extremely happy. I didn’t feel like celebrating; in fact, I felt quite the opposite. I changed my bedspread to mark the divorce, but that was it!

Rebuilding life after divorce can be challenging, and there are many temptations in starting anew that threaten to sabotage your happiness. Experience is a great teacher, and I’ve learned how to keep myself out of trouble. I’ve certainly made enough mistakes, and I’m betting this will help you too!

Here are seven common mistakes that divorce trauma survivors often repeat, preventing them from fully enjoying their life as they begin the journey of rebuilding life after divorce:

1. Not Addressing Past Trauma

When you’re starting over and rebuilding life after divorce, it’s the perfect time to address past trauma in a therapeutic setting. Why? Because you’re only focusing on yourself and not someone else. Your past trauma must be addressed so you can live your life without the hazy filters of the past that prevented you from really seeing yourself, really seeing your world, and really seeing yourself in your world. Addressing past trauma means just that—facing your past in a safe, therapeutic setting so you can break free from its hold on you. Until you do this, you won’t live out your true potential in life.

But how do you begin this daunting process? It starts with acknowledging that the trauma is there and that it needs to be addressed. Ignoring it or trying to push it aside will only lead to more pain down the road. You might want to consider seeking out a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery, or perhaps a support group where you can connect with others going through similar experiences. Rebuilding life after divorce isn’t just about moving on from the relationship; it’s about healing the deeper wounds that the relationship may have inflicted or brought to the surface. This healing is crucial if you want to avoid carrying old baggage into your new life.

Addressing past trauma doesn’t mean reliving it in its entirety. It’s more about understanding how it has shaped you and how you can begin to reshape your life in a way that frees you from its influence. This might involve revisiting painful memories, but with the goal of reframing them in a way that empowers you, rather than letting them hold you back. When you commit to this process, you’re not just rebuilding life after divorce; you’re rebuilding yourself from the inside out.

2. Throwing Yourself into Another Toxic Relationship

It’s easy to seek comfort in the arms of another person right after a divorce. The desire for connection, validation, and feeling loved again can be overwhelming. But rebuilding life after divorce requires that you take the time to heal fully before entering into a new relationship. Rushing into another relationship, especially without addressing the underlying issues that contributed to the failure of your marriage, often leads to repeating the same patterns and mistakes.

In fact, many trauma survivors find themselves attracted to partners who mirror the negative aspects of their former spouse—or worse, amplify them. This can lead to a cycle of toxic relationships, where each new partner is just another version of the last. The excitement of new love can blind you to red flags, and before you know it, you’re back in a situation that’s just as damaging, if not more so.

Instead of seeking solace in a new relationship, use this time to focus on yourself. Explore your interests, strengthen your relationships with friends and family, and most importantly, work on understanding what went wrong in your previous relationship. Rebuilding life after divorce should be about rediscovering who you are as an individual, not just who you are in a relationship.

3. Not Taking the Time for Self-Care

Self-care might sound like a buzzword, but it’s critical when you’re rebuilding life after divorce. After a divorce, you might find yourself overwhelmed with emotions—grief, anger, sadness, relief, and even guilt. These emotions can take a toll on your mental and physical health if they’re not managed properly.

Self-care is more than just treating yourself to a spa day or taking a long bath, though those things can certainly be part of it. True self-care involves setting aside time to check in with yourself regularly. It means acknowledging your feelings and giving yourself permission to feel them without judgment. It means you eat when you’re hungry and rest when you’re tired. Instead of beating yourself up for your past mistakes, forgive yourself. It also means finding ways to soothe your mind, whether through meditation, journaling, or simply spending time in nature. Read uplifting, positive material. Smile at yourself in the mirror. God loves you, so work on loving yourself too!

When you prioritize self-care, you’re sending yourself a powerful message: that you are worthy of love, care, and attention. This is an essential part of rebuilding life after divorce because it helps you reconnect with yourself and build a strong foundation for your new life.

4. Not Taking the Time to Reflect on Past Relationships

Reflection is critical in the process of rebuilding life after divorce so you don’t keep dancing with the wrong dance partner. It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of starting anew—finding a new place to live, getting back into the workforce, or adjusting to life as a single person. But if you don’t take the time to reflect on what went wrong in your marriage, you risk repeating the same mistakes in future relationships.

Reflection doesn’t mean dwelling on the past or blaming yourself or your ex for everything that went wrong. It means taking an honest look at the dynamics of your relationship, recognizing patterns of behavior, and understanding how those patterns contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. This process can be painful, but it’s also incredibly enlightening.

As you reflect, consider what you’ve learned about yourself. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What do you want to change about the way you approach relationships in the future? Rebuilding life after divorce is an opportunity to learn from your past so that you can create a better future.

5. Not Setting Proper Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an essential skill that many people struggle with, especially after a divorce. Rebuilding life after divorce often means redefining your relationships—not just with potential new partners, but with everyone in your life. This includes family, friends, and even your ex-spouse, especially if you have children together.

Healthy boundaries are about knowing your limits and communicating them clearly to others. They’re about protecting your time, your energy, and your emotional well-being. Without proper boundaries, you may find yourself feeling drained, resentful, or taken advantage of.

Start by identifying the areas in your life where boundaries are needed. Are there people who make unreasonable demands on your time or energy? Do you find it difficult to say no, even when you’re already overwhelmed? Are you allowing others to treat you in ways that don’t align with your values? Once you’ve identified these areas, work on setting boundaries that are firm but fair. Remember, rebuilding life after divorce is about putting yourself first—this isn’t selfish, it’s necessary for your well-being.

6. Not Taking the Time to Really Find Out Who You Are

After a divorce, it’s easy to feel lost. You may have spent years, even decades, defining yourself in terms of your marriage—who you were as a spouse, as a parent, as part of a couple. Rebuilding life after divorce is your chance to rediscover who you are as an individual.

This process of self-discovery can be incredibly liberating, but it can also be daunting. Where do you start? One way is to think about the things you used to love before you got married—the hobbies, the interests, the dreams that may have been put on hold. Try reintroducing these things into your life. Or, if they no longer resonate with you, explore new activities and passions.

Another important aspect of self-discovery is understanding your values—what’s most important to you? What do you stand for? What are your non-negotiables in life? When you have a clear sense of your values, it becomes much easier to make decisions that align with who you truly are, rather than what others expect of you.

These are necessary building blocks to your future happiness and the foundation on which boundaries are built. Skipping this critical process means you have pretty much guaranteed yourself an unfulfilling future. Why? Because you’ll be busy entertaining distractions instead of focusing on what truly matters.

Remember, rebuilding life after divorce isn’t just about moving on from your marriage—it’s about moving forward into a life that’s authentically yours.

7. Entertaining Distractions

Distractions are everywhere, and when you’re rebuilding life after divorce, it’s easy to fall into the trap of using them to avoid dealing with difficult emotions. Whether it’s overworking, overindulging in food or alcohol, or throwing yourself into meaningless relationships, these distractions may offer temporary relief, but they ultimately prevent you from healing.

It’s important to recognize when you’re using distractions to avoid dealing with the pain of divorce. Ask yourself: Are you truly enjoying these activities, or are you using them to numb yourself? If it’s the latter, it may be time to cut back and focus on the underlying issues that need your attention.

Rebuilding life after divorce requires facing your emotions head-on. This doesn’t mean you have to do it all at once, or that you have to do it alone. Consider seeking support from a therapist or a divorce recovery coach to help you move forward and create the life you want. These resources can provide the guidance and encouragement you need to navigate the ups and downs of this journey.